It still sinking in, everything that has happened. How the fuck did I manage to wind up here? I was going to chronicle my meeting of him. How I fell head over heals and believed every word he said to me. Then go on to say how I learnt my lesson and it would never happen again. Unfortunately I didn’t learn any lessons. Before I was even done with him I got myself into another mess. I’ve never in my life had to deal with two breakups at the same time. I also have never met two men who have pulled the wool over my eyes like this in my life. It’s insanity.
July 1st 2013 was the beginning of the end. That day I honestly thought it was the beginning of something fantastic. I for once felt a connection with someone unlike any connection I have had. He wasn’t hot, he was cute. He was funny, got my weird sense of humour. Had fantastic stories. As he was telling me of his fantastical life, I knew right there something was off, but I pushed that feeling down, to a place that by the end of it ended up being the better part of me. I am good at suppressing, and pretending all is well. I believe I am now the master.
He was an orphan, mom died when he was young, tragic death, dad alcoholic loser that used to beat him up. His ex wife cheated on him. He took blame, said he was pretty absent from the relationship. He owned his own business (I find out now that he didn’t), he had two cars, a motorcycle, not that it mattered, but he seemed to be financially independent. Someone that I wouldn’t have to support. He was doing triathlons, he had interests. He was fearless, he was fun. Took me zip lining, we did road trips. Made everything seem possible to me.
So I’m hooked. I think he’s fantastic. Then he hits me with it. He has pancreatic cancer. Only a couple to few years to live. I was devastated. Should have booked it then. Sitting on that picnic bench with him the park that night he told me. Every ounce of my medical training went out the window. I believed him, like who the fuck would lie about that? He was doing this study wonder drug that was keeping the cancer from progressing….another jesus, what was I thinking moment. First mistake, I believed him. Decided I was not going to get involved in his medical care or treatment. I was going to enjoy him and what time he had left on this earth.
Worked really good for my commitment issues. A committed relationship, I really didn’t need to commit to long term. A guaranteed way out. My inner Florence Nightengale was ecstatic. The smarter part of me was screaming run. So I signed on. In my head I thought, he has no one (reason for that I think), and I knew how that felt to feel so alone. No one to be there really when push came to shove…or so I thought. I decided I was in, that no matter what crap came our way, we would be able to get through it. Just a side note, my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year later, and he died a few months after diagnosis. Alarm bells were ringing, but he had answers for everything. To this day I have not met a doctor, seen a chart, lab test, nothing. I asked him recently if he could just come clean and that I would respect him more if he could be honest and say he didn’t have cancer…..nope. Says if I agree to see him again, he’ll bring me to his doctor…like it’s an outing or something.
Three months into relationship, he proposed. It was an odd proposal. Nothing romantic, no fan fair. Which looking back on his behaviours, it’s surprising. I said yes. I wasn’t sure, but I said yes. I figured it could be a long engagement, if I said no, I basically was saying I didn’t want to be with him. I didn’t want that at the time. I did pay for most of the ring. He put it on my line of credit….lol. How I didn’t listen to that fucken bell.
Then he lost his house, lost his business, got sued, went bankrupt. All in a short period of time. Each kind of happening at an even pace, so as I got adjusted to one fiasco, another would happen. I write this now, and I am in disbelief that i didn’t run. But I couldn’t, I had already leant him money, got roped into a car payment and figured it couldn’t get worse. We were in this for better or worse we used to say. I brought the better, he brought the worst.
He did do some nice things for me. But I always foot the bill. But I thought to myself, men support women. I have a good job with great pay, it’s not a terrible thing. He’s down on his luck, things should get better. I never made him feel bad about it. To be honest I often felt bad that I was paying. He made me feel bad that he was using my bank card, said it was hard for him to pull out a card with my name on it when he was buying things….tough life.
He also didn’t get along with any of my friends or family. It was uncomfortable and weird. I tried to make things feel normal. Invited him along, then it usually ended up in some kind of drama or discomfort. I stopped inviting him. I never went anywhere with him or his friends.
So why did I stay in this. We talked all the time. He was my best friend. He knew everything about me. I shared my heart, my soul, my everything. When it was just the two of us. I enjoyed his company.
This part is the part that I don’t understand. I’ve always had great sexual chemistry and connection with my partners. When we met it was okay. I waited over a month before we were intimate. When we finally were, it was weird and awkward. I felt almost rejected by him. Lights out, silence, felt like I was alone in the room. It got a little better. But to be honest, I was used to full on sexapalooza’s. I again said to myself. We have such a great connection. Maybe it’s time I try something else. We connected every other way, it would come along in time.
He then told me he was molested by a priest when he was a kid. He got counselling for it, and felt that everything was ok. Never wanted to talk about it. As out relationship progressed I tried to talk about our sexuality and sex life or lack of. Told him it was really the only thing I needed from him. I worked up north, and he stayed in south for his kids. He needed to be near him. But we face timed all the time, we talked all the time. He was loving and sweet and pretty fantastic at the beginning.
Then he decided he wanted to come north with me to work as he wasn’t doing anything successful back home. I was nervous to quit my job in the south and dive into a northern life. But I thought you know what, he can come up here, regroup, no pressure. I was gonna sell my condo, save money. We could plan our next steps. Work on our intimacy. I was pumped. Well part of me was, the other part of me was freaking out, screaming run! But I listened to my heart. We made the move.
smilingoat 