I have spent the better part of my day with tears rolling down my face, my face is tight and feels like it is cracking when I smile now. Wonder if it hides my wrinkles? I’m struggling to believe that things are what they are. I even had a lip quiver earlier in the day that I couldn’t control. I can’t ever remember crying like this in my lifetime to be honest. My shoulders are so tight, I can just feel the tension and stress leaving my body. But am amazed at home much is still there.
My condo sold today. It’s gone. It’s funny, I can remember things in such great detail. The day I got my condo. My friend came with me, with her son, we sat on the floor in the living room and ate Wendy’s. I knew at that point I had made a good decision, and my life was moving forward. Ask me what day it was, or what year it was….can’t remember. I think it may have been August.
I bought the condo, and was ending a rather tumultuous relationship. The condo was my way of moving on. New life. It was like a rebirth. Today I sold it, and now I feel as though it is the end of my life. At least the end of part of me. It funny, when I met him, and things started to unravel, I said to my friends and family that showed me concern “I’ll just sell it, I’ll be fine, start over, I can do that, I don’t have kids”. Guess I foresaw the future, wish I would have acted sooner.
I still unfortunately haven’t taken that full step to get him out of my life. He contacts me daily, at least three or four times. He is writing a blog to me, about how much he loves me. I can’t stop reading it. I am a sucker. He promises he has changed, and that we deserve to be in each others lives as because when we are apart we are so heart broken and sad.
I have not been perfect in all of this. He was an ass hat, but I also cheated on him near the end. Things have gotten pretty messy with that whole situation. It does show me to what extent he is willing to go to get what he wants. He actually scares me to be honest.
There are parts of him that I miss, but other parts I am glad are gone. I have blocked him from all social media, texting, and phone. I haven’t blocked his emails yet. I can’t bring myself to do it. Part of me really wants to believe him. Like I did for the past five years. Passively agreeing to support and fund all his ideas and dreams. Putting all of mine on the back burner. I believed there was good in him. Is it possible he changed?
He has done things to me that I can never forgive or forget. I met him when I was at my best possible self. It’s funny. Just yesterday he sent me a picture of myself, when we first met. I was at my best me ever. I was happy with who I was, where I was going. I was content. He made it into an inspirational meme. Telling me I can be this person again.
I got so fucken mad I wanted to punch something. I felt like sending him an after picture. Of where I am today, tell him how he helped me get here. That reminders of my past, and who I am not today just increased my bitterness towards him. He took every part of me and crushed it. I believed in him, I loved him with everything I had. I gave him everything. I have never done that with a single person on this earth. No one in this world has brought such a feeling of rage out in me either. Crazy how those two emotions are so similar.
Closing my day with thought of how do I turn this around? Where do I want to go in my life? How do I want to get there? It is way easier just to close your eyes and just ride. I have to get back into my driver’s seat. That’s a tough thing to do.
Tomorrow will start with me doing or thinking one positive thing about myself. Today started with me playing hooky from work. Going through my iTunes library, and singing myself hoarse. The opening act was me snorting and sniffling and trying to not have my voice crack. By the end of the morning I was dancing around, trying to boost my happy hormones. The rest of the day I went to work, and felt like I was in a fog, but I made it. This day I will remember, I’m pretty sure. Helps that I’m writing about it in a dated blog…kinda cheating, but works for me.
smilingoat 