Easiest thing to do is blame him for where I am today. Believe me, I sure have on more than one occasion. None of this is my fault, or my doing. That’s another easy way to deal with the mess I’m in today. I see the part I played, and I see how I just allowed me to lose who I am. I see how this idea is very flawed now.
I can remember running down a path near my condo. It was boiling hot, slight breeze cooling me off. Lenny Kravitz in my ears, singing about flying away. Things were fantastic, I was healthy, financially in a great place, on a great career path. I remember the sun on my face and just smiling, even did a little sprint to show off. I had met who I thought was my soul mate. Things were going fantastic.
Fast forward five years, I’m sitting, by myself, in literally the middle of Canada, trying to sell my condo, piece together my financial life, and questioning my career path. Once the condo is gone, the only thing that I own of value would be my yellow ATV parked out front. My heart is broken, it’s also confused. Not in a healthy state at all. I am a true believer that my outside skin directly reflects how I”m feeling on the inside.
So first steps. I’ve spent the past few years just standing here. Watching everything happening in my life, and feeling I had no control over anything. I was looking down, not ahead. I put my blinders on. So my head is high again, I’m looking forward, and around me. Blinders are off, and I’m getting ready to take that step. I’m not as sure as I’ve been in the past, should it be a big step, or just a little step?
I know the first step is to stop contact with him. Move on from him. He’s spent five years promising me, and painting ideas in my head of what it could be. Now that I”m not buying what he is saying, that painting has become almost irresistible, however, whenever I talk to him about it. I get this overwhelming feeling of doom and despair. Just from a text message, it just makes my heart sink. Funny, he used to make my heart skip.
So this will be my first step. It will be the hardest,
smilingoat 